surviving motherhood: June 2008

We just returned from a family 'vacation' to St. Louis. I use the term vacation loosely, because, to me, a vacation connotes relaxation and a reprieve from every day life, when, in reality, a trip to a different city with a one year old and a four year old is anything but those things. We tried hard to keep the kiddos on a relatively normal schedule with naps and eating times, but it's very hard to do when you're not at home. We visited the St. Louis Zoo, the Arch, and went to a Cardinal's game. The most fun for the kids was swimming in the hotel, of course!

Our last day was spent visiting the Arch and going to the Cardinals game. It was 94 degrees and humid. By that last day with little sleep the nights before, and no nap that day, the kids were cranky and whiny. Heck, I was just as cranky and whiny! We had a mile hike back to the car after sitting and frying at the game. I remember thinking how HARD the trip had been and how exhausted I was. I also had a small sense of loss for the times when it was just my husband and I and vacations were enjoyable and so much less work. Our baby girl was sound asleep in my husbands arms and I was dragging along our four year old son just trying to get back to the air conditioned car.

Then I had my epiphany. I overheard countless people who walked by us comment on sweet little Ella sound asleep with her mouth wide open and her face scrunched up on Daddy's shoulder. "oh, look at the baby", "so sweet", "what a cutie". Then I heard some people commenting on my little man Noah, his sweet little four year old self in his red baseball cap, his chubby hands holding on for dear life to his souvenir teddy bear, and I got a lump in my throat and my eyes filled with tears (as they're doing now just remembering). At that moment it hit me that no matter how hard, no matter how much work and energy, and frustration, every minute of our trip had been worth it and I would not for a million years trade my precious little bundles for ANYTHING in the world.

Sometimes I'm filled with a sense of panic that time is moving too fast, that life is like a roller coaster that is careening out of control and I just want it to stop or at least slow down a little so I can have my babies be babies for just a while longer.

I look at Noah sometimes with his long legs and his face that isn't a baby face anymore and I feel so sad, yet so proud, that he is a little boy and is growing up. I just wish it hadn't happened so quickly.

Then I look at Ella, my precious baby girl, and I think WHERE did that year go??? I blinked and she's walking and starting to talk, soon she'll be in school and I won't have a baby anymore.

Sometimes thinking about how fast time goes makes me so sad, but other times I resign myself to the fact that it is what it is, and being sad isn't going to change anything. It just makes me appreciate the little things in life so much more. I know that sounds cliche, but since I've become a parent I've realized that those cliche things parents say aren't cliche's at all, they're simply the way parents truly feel in their hearts. I WOULD die for my children, I CAN'T imagine my life without them, and I AM a much better person now that I'm someone's mommy.

I also feel very grateful that I've discovered photography at the point that I did in life. Even though I can't keep my children small forever, I can preserve my memories of them when they were little with pictures. I will forever treasure the images I have of my babies, and the memories I have of all the moments in our lives, good and bad.