Today was a fun day. Seth had to work, so the kids and I spent the morning at the zoo. The weather today was PERFECT! We had a picnic and went on the carousel and fed the fish and truly just enjoyed each others' company. We saw a payphone at the zoo and Noah said "what in the world is that thing?" I explained what it was and he wondered why someone would need that and not just use their cell phones. I explained that some people may not have a cell phone or may not have one with them. He then asked how cell phones were invented and I said I had no idea. To which he replied "when we get home we should Google it!".
After naps we played outside and Noah invited some neighbors over to play. I ended up playing dodgeball with them all. There was something strangely satisfying about hurling soft, rubber balls at three 5 year old boys. When Seth came home he asked Noah if he wanted to go fishing, but Noah wanted to play in the backyard some more. After dinner we went back outside and the neighbors came over again and Seth joined in our game. I was a little nervous that he was going to get hit in the face with the ball and hurt his stitches, but all was well. It was so fun just to laugh and play with the kids and enjoy the beautiful weather.
Ella had fun too. At one point she was laughing so hard that she snorted and then laughed even harder and said "Ella's nose is FUNNY!"
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Breathe in..... breathe out......
What a week at the Christensen house! This past Wednesday morning Seth went in for his skin cancer to be removed. We got there at 7:15 and were there until 1:30! They removed the spot on his cheek, and then we waited for 45 minutes while they examined the cells to make sure it was cancer free. It wasn't, so he went back and they took another layer around the outside. Another 45 minute wait- still cancerous. After a 3rd try and another long wait, the cells came back negative, meaning that the cancer was all removed. Thank goodness!
Little did we know that the worst part was yet to come. Seth now had a nickel sized hole on his cheek where they had removed the tumor. If the doctor would have just stitched the hole together, it would have left a nasty scar. Instead, he cut all the way down Seth's cheek from the hole, which was under his eye, to just next to his lips, and then across the top of his cheekbone. He then took "the hook" and pulled the triangle flap of Seth's cheek that he had just cut, pulled it away from his face, and pulled it over to cover the hole. I don't know what was worse, that Seth was awake during all of this, or that I was there watching it. I'm sure it was worse for Seth!
He ended up having about 50 shots of anesthesia in his face, and had 59 stitches when all was said and done. He now has to wear a huge bandage that covers the entire right side of his face. The day after, he had a black eye and was very swollen and sore and had a hard time talking. He is slowly recovering, and is just relieved that the cancer is gone, and, as he says, going through what he went through is much better than chemo or other types of cancer treatments, so we should consider ourselves lucky.
After his appointment, I left to go to my follow up appointment with my Ob-Gyn from my surgery the week before. It was so hard to walk into that doctor's office and see all the pregnant women in the waiting room, and all the signs and pictures on the wall about pregnancy and babies. I was shaking uncontrollably, but I chalked that up to the fact that I hadn't eaten anything all day except for a Nutrigrain bar at Seth's appointment.
I kept it together until the doctor came in and looked at me sadly and asked "How are you doing?" I lost it then and could barely ask her any of my questions because I was crying too hard. Basically, she gave me a clean bill of health and said I was free to "try again" whenever I am emotionally ready. It's hard to know when that will be. On the one hand, I'm anxious to "try again" so that I have something positive to look forward to should we be lucky enough to get pregnant again. On the other hand, I'm scared to death that this could happen again, and I just don't know if I can go through it again right now. Time will tell.
All in all, a really yucky week. Add to it the stress of getting back to work and starting at new daycares and longer work weeks than usual because of meetings and trainings, and it's all just very overwhelming. Someone said to me that "it can only get better from here", and my first thought was "no, it could be worse, but I pray that it's not". It makes me count my blessings that we're all alive and healthy, we have jobs, and a house, and each other, and it definitely could be worse. Although this has undoubtedly been the hardest, most traumatic week for our family, I make myself stop and think every now and then of all that we have to be thankful for, because there is a lot.
Little did we know that the worst part was yet to come. Seth now had a nickel sized hole on his cheek where they had removed the tumor. If the doctor would have just stitched the hole together, it would have left a nasty scar. Instead, he cut all the way down Seth's cheek from the hole, which was under his eye, to just next to his lips, and then across the top of his cheekbone. He then took "the hook" and pulled the triangle flap of Seth's cheek that he had just cut, pulled it away from his face, and pulled it over to cover the hole. I don't know what was worse, that Seth was awake during all of this, or that I was there watching it. I'm sure it was worse for Seth!
He ended up having about 50 shots of anesthesia in his face, and had 59 stitches when all was said and done. He now has to wear a huge bandage that covers the entire right side of his face. The day after, he had a black eye and was very swollen and sore and had a hard time talking. He is slowly recovering, and is just relieved that the cancer is gone, and, as he says, going through what he went through is much better than chemo or other types of cancer treatments, so we should consider ourselves lucky.
After his appointment, I left to go to my follow up appointment with my Ob-Gyn from my surgery the week before. It was so hard to walk into that doctor's office and see all the pregnant women in the waiting room, and all the signs and pictures on the wall about pregnancy and babies. I was shaking uncontrollably, but I chalked that up to the fact that I hadn't eaten anything all day except for a Nutrigrain bar at Seth's appointment.
I kept it together until the doctor came in and looked at me sadly and asked "How are you doing?" I lost it then and could barely ask her any of my questions because I was crying too hard. Basically, she gave me a clean bill of health and said I was free to "try again" whenever I am emotionally ready. It's hard to know when that will be. On the one hand, I'm anxious to "try again" so that I have something positive to look forward to should we be lucky enough to get pregnant again. On the other hand, I'm scared to death that this could happen again, and I just don't know if I can go through it again right now. Time will tell.
All in all, a really yucky week. Add to it the stress of getting back to work and starting at new daycares and longer work weeks than usual because of meetings and trainings, and it's all just very overwhelming. Someone said to me that "it can only get better from here", and my first thought was "no, it could be worse, but I pray that it's not". It makes me count my blessings that we're all alive and healthy, we have jobs, and a house, and each other, and it definitely could be worse. Although this has undoubtedly been the hardest, most traumatic week for our family, I make myself stop and think every now and then of all that we have to be thankful for, because there is a lot.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Golden Girl?
Last night when I went to pick up Ella from Ms. Theresa- her new babysitter- Theresa told me that Ella was a perfect angel. "She is your golden child" she told me. Huh? I kept waiting for her to start laughing so I could tell she was joking, but she was serious. Besides her hair, I never considered much about Ella golden.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE her dearly, and she is my little sweetheart, but she is definitely two and has the stubbornness, obstinance and screaming tantrumness to prove it.
Apparently, there is still a honeymoon period going on at Theresa's. I hope it lasts!
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Right Words
As I've been telling a few people here and there about my miscarriage, I'm always amazed by how easy it is to tell who has experienced a similar event and who hasn't. Those that have been through it have an undeniable look in their eyes of overwhelming compassion, understanding, and pain from remembering their own loss. And though I wish no one ever had to experience this sadness, it is comforting to be able to tell someone who understands and empathizes. I often find myself comforting them as they recall their own experience, which is actually helpful because it feels better to be on the other end of the sad news every now and then.I wish that I could say that I was still in the group of those lucky ones who have not had to go through this. Like them, I never knew what to say when talking with someone who had had a miscarriage. I never could think of the right words to say, and was unsure if I should say anything at all for fear of making them sad or bringing it up if they didn't want to talk about it. I was self conscious about making them feel worse, and not knowing what to do to make it better.
I know now that there are no words that will make it better. There are no "magic" words that will erase the pain and sadness and nothing anyone says is going to make the situation right again. But I've also learned that, even though there are no right words, I will always say something. Something to acknowledge the other person's loss, because, no matter how tiny the baby was, it was still a baby and it was still a pregnancy, and now those things no longer exist. "I'm so sorry" or "I'm thinking of you" mean so much.
I know that people are unsure of what to do or say, and worry about perhaps saying the wrong thing. In my experience, I have never been upset by anything people have said, because I know that it is hard to know what to say. But I have been hurt by some who have not said anything. I think we may wonder sometimes if bringing it up will somehow upset the person or make them sad at a time they may not want to think about it. For me, it would be so much better for someone to say "I heard about what happened, I'm so sorry" and let me talk if I want or not if I don't want to, than is is when they do not say anything at all.
Even though the sadness is getting better day by day, I can't imagine that it will ever be gone. I've heard the words "get over it" used about others' miscarriages, and I know that I will never get over this. I will learn to cope, and our lives will go on, and we will find happiness in so many other ways, but we will always remember the baby we lost and we will never forget the roller coaster of feelings that went along with this experience.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Love You Much
One foot in front of the other.... one day at a time....
That is a mantra I've been saying to myself, and it pretty much describes my efforts in coping from day to day. On Wednesday, the day of my surgery, I was so tired and pretty much out if it that I was able to, mercifully, sleep most of the day. Seth was home to help with the kids and the day flew by in between a lot of tears, e-mails, and phone calls.
Yesterday was supposed to be my first day back at work and the kids' first days at their new daycare settings. We ended up taking them to the daycares to help start establishing a routine, but I was just not up to going to work quite yet. Because of the daycare drama over the summer, I had been thinking a lot about how August 20th would go- what time I would have to leave for work, who would take which kid where, how the kids would do, etc. I kept thinking over and over yesterday "this isn't how this day was supposed to go".
Yesterday was a harder day for me than Wednesday, because I was home alone with just my thoughts, nothing on daytime t.v., and house that needed cleaning, but that I couldn't muster the energy or motivation to clean. There were a lot more tears shed, more e-mails, a few texts, and I did manage to read 3/4 of the new Jennifer Weiner book. I was glad when it was time for everyone to be home because Noah and Ella keep me so busy and entertained that time goes a lot better when they're around.
Today I did go to work and had an all day meeting. I rode with a friend who had gone through a similar experience, so we talked the entire 75 minute ride there and back. I know that everyone grieves differently, and I'm finding that, for me, talking and sharing my experience is helping me go through the healing process. I don't think I could do it alone.
That is a mantra I've been saying to myself, and it pretty much describes my efforts in coping from day to day. On Wednesday, the day of my surgery, I was so tired and pretty much out if it that I was able to, mercifully, sleep most of the day. Seth was home to help with the kids and the day flew by in between a lot of tears, e-mails, and phone calls.
Yesterday was supposed to be my first day back at work and the kids' first days at their new daycare settings. We ended up taking them to the daycares to help start establishing a routine, but I was just not up to going to work quite yet. Because of the daycare drama over the summer, I had been thinking a lot about how August 20th would go- what time I would have to leave for work, who would take which kid where, how the kids would do, etc. I kept thinking over and over yesterday "this isn't how this day was supposed to go".
Yesterday was a harder day for me than Wednesday, because I was home alone with just my thoughts, nothing on daytime t.v., and house that needed cleaning, but that I couldn't muster the energy or motivation to clean. There were a lot more tears shed, more e-mails, a few texts, and I did manage to read 3/4 of the new Jennifer Weiner book. I was glad when it was time for everyone to be home because Noah and Ella keep me so busy and entertained that time goes a lot better when they're around.
Today I did go to work and had an all day meeting. I rode with a friend who had gone through a similar experience, so we talked the entire 75 minute ride there and back. I know that everyone grieves differently, and I'm finding that, for me, talking and sharing my experience is helping me go through the healing process. I don't think I could do it alone.
I feel like I'm suddenly a member of a secret club that I didn't know existed and that I didn't want to be a part of. I had no idea how many people in my life have gone through the loss of a pregnancy. Sadly, it is reassuring to know that I'm not alone, and having people to talk to who understand my feelings right now has been so helpful to me.
I greatly appreciate all the notes, e-mails and phone calls that I've received in the past few days just saying that people are thinking of us. I know that some people like to keep their grief private, but it really is so reassuring to me to know that I have such a supportive network of family and friends who are here to help us, cry with us, think of us, and pray for us.
Today was the first day I haven't cried (yet), and I feel a little bit better and more hopeful with each day that goes by. I know that I will have ups and downs, and that the healing process will take a long, long time, but it has helped me to try and find the positives in the situation.
One positive is that I think this shared experience has really strengthened my relationship with Seth. He has been my shoulder to cry on, my sounding board when I have a thought or a question or something I just need to say, no matter what time of day or night, and he always knows the right thing to say (or not say) in return. He's also been my messenger when the words were just too sad to say. I think that we won't take each other for granted as much, and that we will have a little more appreciation for the other person. It's unfortunate that it took this devastating event to bring about these changes for the better, but it is helpful to know that some good came out of something so terrible.
I also know that I will get pregnant again, and that it will be a healthy, full-term baby. When that time comes, I will appreciate every moment of that pregnancy. I will try hard not to complain if I am nauseous, or gaining a lot of weight, or tired, or whatever. I will know that the time spent being miserable is so short, and that there is something so much more miserable than being a little nauseous or tired, and the outcome is so worth it. I may need reminding of that when the time comes, though.
Tonight when I was putting Ella to bed I said "good night, I love you", and she replied "THANK you Mommy! I love you much!"
My precious children make every day worth getting up and putting one foot in front of the other.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Our Tiny Guardian Angel
We found out our exciting news on July 20th. We were going to start trying to have another baby in August or so, but I was a few days late with my period and had to stop at Target for some things, so I thought I'd pick up a pregnancy test. Since they come in packages of two, I thought I could save the extra for the next month when we would need it. I took the first test, and within about 3 seconds it was clearly positive. Thinking I must have done something wrong, I took the 2nd test, and it too, was positive. I was in total shock and walked around the house that day saying "What?!?!" Noah would hear me and our conversations went like this:
Me: "What?!?!"
Noah: "What?"
Me: "What?"
Noah: "Why did you say 'what'?"
Me: "I did?"
All day long. I couldn't wait for Seth to get home and the kids and I surprised him with an unprecedented candlelit dinner in the dining room.. He was as shocked and excited as I was. That night I went online and bought some t-shirts for the kids with dinosaurs on them (orange and green for Noah, and pink and purple for Ella) that said "I'm going to be a big brother/ sister". As soon as we got them in the mail about a week later, we put them on and went to our parents' house to tell them the news. Everyone was just as excited as we were.
When we told Noah and Ella, Noah was so cute. He just smiled and kept asking "really?" He was sooooooo excited! He would tell everyone he saw "this is my mom- she's pregnant". I was a little concerned that he was telling so many people so early, but we were so excited, too, that I didn't stop him. We moved Ella to a big girl bed and started planning how we were going to arrange the kiddos' rooms to make room for the new baby.
I started to show very early, and I was feeling a little stressed that I'd have to start wearing maternity clothes before I even wanted to tell most people. I was also feeling very nauseous and sick and got put on Zofran right away. I thought I was maybe having a girl, because I felt like I did with Ella. At my initial doctor's appointment, everything was fine. They took my blood and all my levels were normal and everything looked good. Even though I felt so miserable, I was reassured that I could always tell I was still pregnant while feeling so sick.
Yesterday I went in for my 8 week check-up. Ella was at Grandpa Donnie's and Noah was at school and I was loving my time to myself- I even had time to read a whole magazine while I was waiting. The doctor and I chatted for awhile about my nausea and stomach issues caused by the Zofran, and she wrote me a prescription to try something else. Then it was time for the ultrasound to check on the heartbeat and size and get an exact due date. Doing a regular ultrasound, the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. Unfazed, she said sometimes that happens this early and then did a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I could tell as she was looking and looking at the monitor that something was wrong. She finally said "I can't see a heartbeat and I'm concerned". My face flushed and I felt dizzy and just kept thinking, "it's there, keep trying". She said she was going to send me upstairs to ultrasound and asked if there was anyone I could call. I called Seth and struggled to keep my voice even as I asked if he could please come as soon as he could.
Luckily, he was there quickly and we went upstairs. As she was doing the ultrasound I kept looking at the tiny little baby on the monitor and just praying and willing its little heart to start beating. Please, God, please let there be a heartbeat.........
Finally, the technician said "I'm sorry guys, I can't find a heartbeat either". That was probably the most devastating moment of my life.
As we drove home, the whole thing seemed so surreal. I knew that there were stages of grief, but I didn't know that a person could go through them all within seconds. I felt overwhelming sadness, denial (maybe there was a heartbeat and they just couldn't see it), anger (how is it fair that I could be so sick and gain so much weight and be so miserable, and now for nothing?), and guilt (I shouldn't have complained about being sick, I shouldn't have drunk caffeine, I should have tried to get more rest).
All those thoughts kept swirling through my head. The thought that was the most devasting, though, was having to tell the news to Noah. Our job as parents is to protect our children from pain, and this would just crush him. When we did tell him, he tried so hard not to cry and his lower lip was just trembling. It broke my heart. He came over and gave me a huge hug. It was heartbreaking to see my little man grow up a little in that moment.
This morning I had a D&C, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I keep thinking I have to run out of tears eventually, but they just keep coming. I know it will get easier and I do truly feel blessed to have two beautiful children who keep my busy and occupied and don't give me much time to feel sorry for myself, but I grieve for their loss, too.
It's a consolation to me to think that God has a plan, and that this baby wasn't meant to be- it would not have grown to be a healthy baby, and I'm glad that it didn't have to suffer. our precious little baby is up in heaven watching over us with the other angels.
Even though we didn't get to meet you, we will always love you.
Me: "What?!?!"
Noah: "What?"
Me: "What?"
Noah: "Why did you say 'what'?"
Me: "I did?"
All day long. I couldn't wait for Seth to get home and the kids and I surprised him with an unprecedented candlelit dinner in the dining room.. He was as shocked and excited as I was. That night I went online and bought some t-shirts for the kids with dinosaurs on them (orange and green for Noah, and pink and purple for Ella) that said "I'm going to be a big brother/ sister". As soon as we got them in the mail about a week later, we put them on and went to our parents' house to tell them the news. Everyone was just as excited as we were.
When we told Noah and Ella, Noah was so cute. He just smiled and kept asking "really?" He was sooooooo excited! He would tell everyone he saw "this is my mom- she's pregnant". I was a little concerned that he was telling so many people so early, but we were so excited, too, that I didn't stop him. We moved Ella to a big girl bed and started planning how we were going to arrange the kiddos' rooms to make room for the new baby.
I started to show very early, and I was feeling a little stressed that I'd have to start wearing maternity clothes before I even wanted to tell most people. I was also feeling very nauseous and sick and got put on Zofran right away. I thought I was maybe having a girl, because I felt like I did with Ella. At my initial doctor's appointment, everything was fine. They took my blood and all my levels were normal and everything looked good. Even though I felt so miserable, I was reassured that I could always tell I was still pregnant while feeling so sick.
Yesterday I went in for my 8 week check-up. Ella was at Grandpa Donnie's and Noah was at school and I was loving my time to myself- I even had time to read a whole magazine while I was waiting. The doctor and I chatted for awhile about my nausea and stomach issues caused by the Zofran, and she wrote me a prescription to try something else. Then it was time for the ultrasound to check on the heartbeat and size and get an exact due date. Doing a regular ultrasound, the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. Unfazed, she said sometimes that happens this early and then did a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I could tell as she was looking and looking at the monitor that something was wrong. She finally said "I can't see a heartbeat and I'm concerned". My face flushed and I felt dizzy and just kept thinking, "it's there, keep trying". She said she was going to send me upstairs to ultrasound and asked if there was anyone I could call. I called Seth and struggled to keep my voice even as I asked if he could please come as soon as he could.
Luckily, he was there quickly and we went upstairs. As she was doing the ultrasound I kept looking at the tiny little baby on the monitor and just praying and willing its little heart to start beating. Please, God, please let there be a heartbeat.........
Finally, the technician said "I'm sorry guys, I can't find a heartbeat either". That was probably the most devastating moment of my life.
As we drove home, the whole thing seemed so surreal. I knew that there were stages of grief, but I didn't know that a person could go through them all within seconds. I felt overwhelming sadness, denial (maybe there was a heartbeat and they just couldn't see it), anger (how is it fair that I could be so sick and gain so much weight and be so miserable, and now for nothing?), and guilt (I shouldn't have complained about being sick, I shouldn't have drunk caffeine, I should have tried to get more rest).
All those thoughts kept swirling through my head. The thought that was the most devasting, though, was having to tell the news to Noah. Our job as parents is to protect our children from pain, and this would just crush him. When we did tell him, he tried so hard not to cry and his lower lip was just trembling. It broke my heart. He came over and gave me a huge hug. It was heartbreaking to see my little man grow up a little in that moment.
This morning I had a D&C, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I keep thinking I have to run out of tears eventually, but they just keep coming. I know it will get easier and I do truly feel blessed to have two beautiful children who keep my busy and occupied and don't give me much time to feel sorry for myself, but I grieve for their loss, too.
It's a consolation to me to think that God has a plan, and that this baby wasn't meant to be- it would not have grown to be a healthy baby, and I'm glad that it didn't have to suffer. our precious little baby is up in heaven watching over us with the other angels.
Even though we didn't get to meet you, we will always love you.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
First Day of Kindergarten
I can't believe my little man is in Kindergarten already. I didn't cry, but I was very close. It helped that Noah was so excited and that he has always separated easily from Mommy. He had a wonderful first day. He loved eating school lunch, he loves recess, and he adores his teacher, Mrs. Broesch. He was also excited to learn that a boy from his soccer team is in his class. It's so hard to believe that he will now be in school for at least 13 more years. I feel a little nostalgic for preschool when he could come home and watch Noggin and eat pb&j and then we could take naps, but I guess that's part of growing up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)