Our Tiny Guardian Angel

We found out our exciting news on July 20th. We were going to start trying to have another baby in August or so, but I was a few days late with my period and had to stop at Target for some things, so I thought I'd pick up a pregnancy test. Since they come in packages of two, I thought I could save the extra for the next month when we would need it. I took the first test, and within about 3 seconds it was clearly positive. Thinking I must have done something wrong, I took the 2nd test, and it too, was positive. I was in total shock and walked around the house that day saying "What?!?!" Noah would hear me and our conversations went like this:

Me: "What?!?!"
Noah: "What?"
Me: "What?"
Noah: "Why did you say 'what'?"
Me: "I did?"

All day long. I couldn't wait for Seth to get home and the kids and I surprised him with an unprecedented candlelit dinner in the dining room.. He was as shocked and excited as I was. That night I went online and bought some t-shirts for the kids with dinosaurs on them (orange and green for Noah, and pink and purple for Ella) that said "I'm going to be a big brother/ sister". As soon as we got them in the mail about a week later, we put them on and went to our parents' house to tell them the news. Everyone was just as excited as we were.

When we told Noah and Ella, Noah was so cute. He just smiled and kept asking "really?" He was sooooooo excited! He would tell everyone he saw "this is my mom- she's pregnant". I was a little concerned that he was telling so many people so early, but we were so excited, too, that I didn't stop him. We moved Ella to a big girl bed and started planning how we were going to arrange the kiddos' rooms to make room for the new baby.

I started to show very early, and I was feeling a little stressed that I'd have to start wearing maternity clothes before I even wanted to tell most people. I was also feeling very nauseous and sick and got put on Zofran right away. I thought I was maybe having a girl, because I felt like I did with Ella. At my initial doctor's appointment, everything was fine. They took my blood and all my levels were normal and everything looked good. Even though I felt so miserable, I was reassured that I could always tell I was still pregnant while feeling so sick.

Yesterday I went in for my 8 week check-up. Ella was at Grandpa Donnie's and Noah was at school and I was loving my time to myself- I even had time to read a whole magazine while I was waiting. The doctor and I chatted for awhile about my nausea and stomach issues caused by the Zofran, and she wrote me a prescription to try something else. Then it was time for the ultrasound to check on the heartbeat and size and get an exact due date. Doing a regular ultrasound, the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. Unfazed, she said sometimes that happens this early and then did a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I could tell as she was looking and looking at the monitor that something was wrong. She finally said "I can't see a heartbeat and I'm concerned". My face flushed and I felt dizzy and just kept thinking, "it's there, keep trying". She said she was going to send me upstairs to ultrasound and asked if there was anyone I could call. I called Seth and struggled to keep my voice even as I asked if he could please come as soon as he could.

Luckily, he was there quickly and we went upstairs. As she was doing the ultrasound I kept looking at the tiny little baby on the monitor and just praying and willing its little heart to start beating. Please, God, please let there be a heartbeat.........

Finally, the technician said "I'm sorry guys, I can't find a heartbeat either". That was probably the most devastating moment of my life.

As we drove home, the whole thing seemed so surreal. I knew that there were stages of grief, but I didn't know that a person could go through them all within seconds. I felt overwhelming sadness, denial (maybe there was a heartbeat and they just couldn't see it), anger (how is it fair that I could be so sick and gain so much weight and be so miserable, and now for nothing?), and guilt (I shouldn't have complained about being sick, I shouldn't have drunk caffeine, I should have tried to get more rest).

All those thoughts kept swirling through my head. The thought that was the most devasting, though, was having to tell the news to Noah. Our job as parents is to protect our children from pain, and this would just crush him. When we did tell him, he tried so hard not to cry and his lower lip was just trembling. It broke my heart. He came over and gave me a huge hug. It was heartbreaking to see my little man grow up a little in that moment.

This morning I had a D&C, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I keep thinking I have to run out of tears eventually, but they just keep coming. I know it will get easier and I do truly feel blessed to have two beautiful children who keep my busy and occupied and don't give me much time to feel sorry for myself, but I grieve for their loss, too.

It's a consolation to me to think that God has a plan, and that this baby wasn't meant to be- it would not have grown to be a healthy baby, and I'm glad that it didn't have to suffer. our precious little baby is up in heaven watching over us with the other angels.

Even though we didn't get to meet you, we will always love you.