That is a mantra I've been saying to myself, and it pretty much describes my efforts in coping from day to day. On Wednesday, the day of my surgery, I was so tired and pretty much out if it that I was able to, mercifully, sleep most of the day. Seth was home to help with the kids and the day flew by in between a lot of tears, e-mails, and phone calls.
Yesterday was supposed to be my first day back at work and the kids' first days at their new daycare settings. We ended up taking them to the daycares to help start establishing a routine, but I was just not up to going to work quite yet. Because of the daycare drama over the summer, I had been thinking a lot about how August 20th would go- what time I would have to leave for work, who would take which kid where, how the kids would do, etc. I kept thinking over and over yesterday "this isn't how this day was supposed to go".
Yesterday was a harder day for me than Wednesday, because I was home alone with just my thoughts, nothing on daytime t.v., and house that needed cleaning, but that I couldn't muster the energy or motivation to clean. There were a lot more tears shed, more e-mails, a few texts, and I did manage to read 3/4 of the new Jennifer Weiner book. I was glad when it was time for everyone to be home because Noah and Ella keep me so busy and entertained that time goes a lot better when they're around.
Today I did go to work and had an all day meeting. I rode with a friend who had gone through a similar experience, so we talked the entire 75 minute ride there and back. I know that everyone grieves differently, and I'm finding that, for me, talking and sharing my experience is helping me go through the healing process. I don't think I could do it alone.
I feel like I'm suddenly a member of a secret club that I didn't know existed and that I didn't want to be a part of. I had no idea how many people in my life have gone through the loss of a pregnancy. Sadly, it is reassuring to know that I'm not alone, and having people to talk to who understand my feelings right now has been so helpful to me.
I greatly appreciate all the notes, e-mails and phone calls that I've received in the past few days just saying that people are thinking of us. I know that some people like to keep their grief private, but it really is so reassuring to me to know that I have such a supportive network of family and friends who are here to help us, cry with us, think of us, and pray for us.
Today was the first day I haven't cried (yet), and I feel a little bit better and more hopeful with each day that goes by. I know that I will have ups and downs, and that the healing process will take a long, long time, but it has helped me to try and find the positives in the situation.
One positive is that I think this shared experience has really strengthened my relationship with Seth. He has been my shoulder to cry on, my sounding board when I have a thought or a question or something I just need to say, no matter what time of day or night, and he always knows the right thing to say (or not say) in return. He's also been my messenger when the words were just too sad to say. I think that we won't take each other for granted as much, and that we will have a little more appreciation for the other person. It's unfortunate that it took this devastating event to bring about these changes for the better, but it is helpful to know that some good came out of something so terrible.
I also know that I will get pregnant again, and that it will be a healthy, full-term baby. When that time comes, I will appreciate every moment of that pregnancy. I will try hard not to complain if I am nauseous, or gaining a lot of weight, or tired, or whatever. I will know that the time spent being miserable is so short, and that there is something so much more miserable than being a little nauseous or tired, and the outcome is so worth it. I may need reminding of that when the time comes, though.
Tonight when I was putting Ella to bed I said "good night, I love you", and she replied "THANK you Mommy! I love you much!"
My precious children make every day worth getting up and putting one foot in front of the other.
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